I long for the comfort in a self-belief so steady and flat and stone and solid as to think that one is, essentially, a righteous man, someone who can not only tell the difference between right and wrong with infinite fineness, but act upon the side of right, with no heed to outcome or consequence, every single time. I long for moral certitude and for a plausible aspiration to moral perfection, and a belief in its nearness. I long to never fret and worry and hesitate, but follow unambiguous rules to their foreordained conclusions, then act out their judgement.


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