The only horoscope you’ll ever need

Aries

Aries:March 21 -April 19

Everything you feel is a lie. Moods impose themselves on you without your consent. You will fight with your closest friends unto a bitter silence, mutual sacrifices sliced open and bleeding to death on the altar of your respective egos. Good wine will sour in your mouth, and rotten drink will move you to manic thirst until you sicken yourself upon it.

Taurus

Taurus:April 20 -May 20

Life is beautiful, isn’t it? You dream and reality seems to mould itself around you. But don’t trust it. The dream is the dream and life goes on just as it always does. Attempt to stay in the dream, to make a clean break with reality, and reality will snap back into place and the sky will fall on your head and the world will break apart around you.

Gemini

Gemini:May 21 -June 20

Life is unsatisfying and always will be. You are condemned to eternal strife. You will always fall short of contentment, fall short of anything but all too rare, all too brief, stabbing pangs of joy alternating with mindless sorrow. And that’s if you’re lucky.

Cancer

Cancer:June 21 -July 22

Why are you still alive? How could someone as pathetic as you still care to go on breathing? Surely you must sense that your existence doesn’t make the slightest difference to the world. No one dares you to just end it all because it hardly matters to anyone either way; also, even confronted with the proper depth of your uselessness, they doubt you’d have the guts.

Leo

Leo:July 23 -August 22

You are trapped in the absurdest of prisons and spend your life bouncing between giddy hilarity and all-consuming worry. Any semblance of normality in your day-to-day life is boring and quickly avoided, but you spend the remainder of your hours seeking it, only to throw it away yet again.

Virgo

Virgo:August 23 -September 22

Today’s the day that the girl you’ve been oh-so-slowly working up the nerve to ask out casually asks if you’d mind doing some of this paperwork for her because she has this date she’s been really looking forward to and of course she’ll return the favour sometime if you have to, you know, go for a convention or something because that’s what friends are for, right?

Libra

Libra:September 23 -October 22

The sheer inherent poverty of your imagination means that your cherished self-image as a creative intellectual will always ring hollow. You envy the shut-in poets of a by-gone age who brought forth epic romances even from the seclusion of their apartments but I’m afraid that’s simply not an option for you. If you truly wish for inspiration you will be forced to seek it in dangerous and dismal territory.

Scorpio

Scorpio:October 23 -November 21

Ever noticed how sometimes when you set out on a journey you keep arriving at junctions just as the red light comes on, in every other junction and it doesn’t matter whether you slow up or speed down because traffic makes sure it evens out? Yeah? That’s always going to be you. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you’ll be forced to step back every now and then. Unless you try taking a different route altogether.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius:November 22 -December 21

You spend your days missing opportunities, many of which you never even knew existed. The girl of your dreams left that cafe minutes before you entered. The chance remark that was to inspire you to set up a thriving business or write an acclaimed novel was made when you were too busy counting out the right change to give the barista. While blessed with a certain amount of raw talent, fate will continue to deal you lukewarm hands until you have accepted your own mediocrity.

Capricorn

Capricorn:December 22 -January 19

You are the worst kind of human being. I’m surprised the grass under your feet doesn’t just wither and die, that your daily passage isn’t trailed by the reek of refuse and rot. Some might begrudge you a quick death, but even the ones that wanted to see you hurting might be glad if you rid them of the need.

Aquarius

Aquarius:January 20 -February 18

On a nice day not too far from now, as you bask in the sunshine and think about how everything just seems to be going right for once and it’s only starting and wouldn’t beds of roses actually be really prickly to sleep in, someone will kidnap you and strangle you with a chain of raw pig entrails.

pisces

Pisces:February 19 -March 20

This isn’t going to last, you know. It really isn’t, nobody gets to stay happy forever. That’s just how the world works, it all comes to an end sooner or later. You can try freezing your brain and wishing real hard, but parting will always be undiluted sorrow. But at least you have a long while to go.

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